7 Road maps to cultivate self-love

Addressing the (হাতি (hati):
A Psychotherapist’s Approach. Vol 5
By Giuseppe Tagliarini, BACP (Editor), & Bryn Stillwell, Primary Counselor

I Want Love, But It’s Impossible

But I want love, just a different kind
I want love, won’t break me down
Won’t brick me up, won’t fence me in
I want a love that don’t mean a thing
That’s the love I want, I want love
– Elton John

Editor: A while ago, I watched a scene from a film called Rocketman, where a young boy named Elton craved the love of his father and mother. However, they were too trapped in their own world of hurt to ever give him any love. The scene captured the cries of their hearts, wrapped in emotional wounds and scars from past relationships. This scene rips me apart every time; As a counselor, I am a weeper as I see the cries of teens who desperately want a relationship with their parents on a daily basis. The child just wanted connection, but his life unfortunately became one where he sought love in the wrong places, leading to addiction and self-affliction. These lyrics express a longing for love that won’t hurt or impose limitations, highlighting a need for authenticity rather than superficial connections.

What does it mean to truly love oneself, and is it even possible?
By Bryn Stillwell

What does it mean to truly love oneself, and is it even possible? From the moment we are conceived, we begin to understand love. We feel it through the care of those closest to us—our friends, family, and people whose lives we’ve touched without even realizing it. But why is loving ourselves often seen as taboo? Why is it so difficult to love the same person others cherish so deeply?
We easily share love for things like movies, music, books, or food. But these are inanimate objects, incapable of reciprocating or engaging with us on a personal level. The challenge lies in loving a human being—one who has flaws, emotions, and inner complexities. We effortlessly love others who have these same qualities, so why not ourselves?
Let me share a story about a friend who struggled with this very issue. She met with a counselor weekly, battling feelings of despair and self-doubt. For over a year, she couldn’t even bring herself to say, “I like myself.” It was a deeply emotional journey. She asked herself: does loving yourself mean being all-in, 100% of the time? The truth is, it doesn’t.
One day, her counselor suggested something that changed her perspective: instead of forcing herself to say, “I love myself,” they proposed she try, “I love that I’m learning to love myself.” This shift in focus was a turning point. It acknowledged her hard work and allowed her to embrace the fact that she was still on the journey to self-love, rather than expecting immediate perfection.
When I asked her if she had ever reached full self-love, she admitted that there were moments when she could say it and truly believe it. But it wasn’t constant. Sometimes she didn’t feel that love. And that’s okay. We don’t endlessly love a single movie, song, or book without ever getting tired of it. Love, even for ourselves, can ebb and flow.
The key is to find grace within ourselves, to understand that the path to self-love is a winding, rocky one. There may be times when it seems nonexistent. But through persistence, self-acceptance, and patience, we can find love for who we are, even if just for fleeting moments. Those moments matter, and they are a testament to our strength and growth.

Windows

There was a four-year-old girl sitting in front of her bedroom window.
Innocent and impressionable.
She was loved. She loved her sweet little self.
This girl turned eleven and sat in front of the same window.
Innocent and impressionable.
She was betrayed. She no longer loved herself.
She lost touch with herself.
A figure that should have loved every part of her being for her entire life no longer did.
This girl turned thirty and stared out of a completely different window.
The light crept in.
She realized one thing.
She could love her sweet self again with the willpower and grace of her own acceptance.
This girl turned thirty-three and peeked out a new window with a smile.
She was on her way.
The figure that once deceived her drifted as she gleamed.
Love entered.
For twenty-two years she waited.
Though she is not enveloped yet, her progression will be forever growing….

B.Stillwell (USA, Colorado)

Embracing Self-Love: A Journey Towards Acceptance

Editor’s response : There was a four-year-old girl sitting in front of her bedroom window… she heard a whisper from eternity saying, ‘You are loved, my child. You are mine, and I am yours. Love is who you are, for love is who I am.’

The search for self-love is a path filled with challenges and profound realizations, as illustrated in Bryn Stillwell’s poignant piece, “Windows.” The essence of loving oneself often feels elusive, especially when we compare our internal struggles to the affection we easily offer others. Stillwell captures the journey of a friend grappling with self-doubt, highlighting a crucial truth: self-love is not a destination but a winding journey.

Much like looking through a window, our perception of ourselves can vary depending on the view. Are we gazing outwards, longing for validation from the world, or are we looking inward, recognizing our worth? Stillwell’s narrative encourages us to explore both perspectives, emphasizing that the journey toward self-acceptance begins with how we choose to frame our experiences.

In the pursuit of self-acceptance, it’s vital to acknowledge that we don’t have to feel a constant state of love towards ourselves. Just as the ebb and flow of our favorite songs or movies can influence our emotions, our feelings towards ourselves can change. The suggestion of shifting from “I love myself” to “I love that I’m learning to love myself” can be transformative. This change in perspective allows for growth and acceptance, recognizing that the path to self-love is layered and non-linear.

To cultivate self-love, consider the following 7 Road maps:

1. Practice Self-Compassion: Embrace your flaws and mistakes as part of being human. Self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend.

2. Mindfulness: Engage in mindfulness practices to ground yourself in the present moment. Being present can help reduce self-criticism and enhance self-acceptance.

3. Affirmations: Use positive affirmations to reinforce your worth. Simple statements like “I am enough” can serve as daily reminders of your value.

4. Celebrate Small Wins: Acknowledge and celebrate even the smallest achievements. This fosters a sense of progress and reinforces a positive self-image.

5. Surround Yourself with Positivity: Engage with supportive people who uplift you and encourage your journey towards self-love.

6. Reflect on Your Journey: Journaling can provide insight into your thoughts and feelings, helping you to track your progress and reflect on your growth.

7. Seek Support: Don’t hesitate to reach out to therapists or counselors who can provide guidance and support on your journey to self-love.

Just as the four-year-old girl in Stillwell’s story discovers light and hope after years of struggle, so too can we find moments of self-love that are meaningful and transformative. Embrace the process, and remember: love is not a destination but a continuous journey toward understanding and accepting who you are. As we look out through our windows—both internal and external—we can choose to see the beauty within ourselves, illuminating the path toward self-acceptance and compassion.

By Giuseppe Tagliarini, BACP (Editor), & Bryn Stillwell, Primary Counselor