Addressing the (হাতি / hati) in the room!

Do Not Think of a Pink Elephant

Name it ‘Keeping It Real’ or ‘Counselor’s Corner,’ said my ISD director while I pondered a title for my biweekly article. I suggested ‘The Clownselor,’ but alas, I want to address the elephants in the room that perhaps we don’t want to talk about.

Ok stop what you are doing right now and do not think of a pink elephant. Ok, what are you thinking of? For most of you reading this, you’re now picturing a pink elephant. So, what’s the point of this exercise? As parents—and this is one of the key themes I’ll be exploring—how we parent often has unintended effects.  

When we tell our children, “Don’t spend too much time on your iPad,” “Don’t play that game all day,” “Don’t go to bed late,” or “Don’t have a relationship,” it does the reverse of what we intend. Instead of steering them away from these things, we spark their curiosity and focus. By telling them what not to do, we plant the very idea we’re trying to avoid, making it more desirable or tempting.  

This is because, psychologically, when you tell someone not to think or do something, the brain naturally fixates on that thing. “Don’t play that game” makes them think about the game even more. The very prohibition feeds the fascination.  

As parents, it’s easy to fall into this trap. We aim to protect, but the way we frame our words can backfire, encouraging exactly what we hope to prevent. Maybe the key lies not in saying no, (although sometimes we definitely have to be assertive and say NO) but in understanding what drives their interest—and guiding it fruitfully. Instead of, “Don’t waste time online,” try, “What else could you explore today?” The goal is not just control but connection—so we help them discover better choices without the rebellion or obsession that often follows prohibition.   

So, the next time we default to our old way of speaking of, “Don’t do this or don’t do that,” pause and think: What might happen if you planted a different seed instead?

Reframing Parenting for Success, 10 Practical Parenting Strategies

1. Encourage Balance Over Restriction
   Instead of saying, “Don’t spend all day on your iPad,” try:
   “Let’s spend some time doing something creative or active today—what would you like to do together?” This turns the focus to healthy screen habits and fosters autonomy.
2. Emphasize Emotional Well-Being
   Rather than, “Don’t be so anxious,” use:
   “How are you feeling right now? Can we try a calming technique together?” Supporting emotional regulation helps them cope with stress, aligning with your broader goals around mental health.
3. Promote Healthy Independence
   Rather than, “Don’t go to bed late,” you could reframe with:
   “Getting a good night’s sleep helps your body and mind feel strong for tomorrow’s adventures. What time do you think is good for bedtime?” This allows children to develop responsibility, autonomy, and critical thinking.
4. Channel Curiosity and Social Growth
   Instead of, “Don’t have a relationship,” try:
   “It’s great that you’re making new friends—let’s talk about what makes friendships and relationships healthy and supportive.” This encourages social development while providing guidance on boundaries and self-worth.
5. Foster Self-Esteem Without Overprotection
   Rather than, “Don’t fail at this,” say:
   “Mistakes are how we learn and grow. What did you learn from today’s challenge?” Helping our children build resilience rather than fear of failure aligns with healthy emotional development and self-esteem.

• Offer Choices Within Limits
  Example: “Would you like to do your homework before dinner or after?”
  Why it works: Giving children control over small decisions reduces resistance and fosters autonomy.

1. Reframe Instructions Positively
   Example: Instead of “Don’t stay up late,” say, “Let’s wind down early so you can wake up refreshed.”
   Why it works: Positive phrasing encourages desired behaviors and minimizes defiance.
2. Use “When-Then” Statements
   Example: “When your room is tidy, then you can watch TV.”
   Why it works: This sets clear expectations and links privileges to responsible actions.
3. Encourage Reflection with Motivational Questions
   Example: “How do you feel after spending the whole afternoon gaming?”
   Why it works: Motivational questions promote self-evaluation and accountability, leading to lasting behavior changes.
4. Model Desired Behavior
   Example: If you want your child to limit screen time, demonstrate it by engaging in offline activities.
   Why it works: Children learn by observing their parents, reinforcing the habits you want to instill.

By shifting OUR language and approach, we can guide our children in ways that build autonomy, resilience, and emotional regulation without triggering the reverse effect. Instead of focusing on “don’t,” we can help them develop critical life skills and navigate the complex issues they face with confidence.

And another thing, may I be congruent? Well, I will be. Let me add that teaching our teenager to make their own bed and cook their own food fosters autonomy rather than taking away their responsibilities or having someone else do it for them, From Beijing to Bangkok, I have seen so many teenagers wrapped up in cotton wool, that when they end up in College they simply cannot function. When they learn these skills, they develop a sense of independence and pride in their accomplishments. In closing, I’ve addressed one elephant in the room today: the need for us as parents to rethink our approach to guiding our children. What are you thinking of now?